little realizations

So, I’m standing here at this bakery in Downtown McMinnville, trying not to order the things one orders at a bakery, because if I order bakery-like things from this bakery, I might as well give my stomach pooch full on permission to never, ever flippin go away. And then what will become of me? Forget the fear of becoming a cat lady; I’m far more terrified of becoming an angry, bitter old broad who could never see her feet again. First world problems, you know?

So, me and this bakery. We’re cool. We’re cool because I’m ordering nothing more than a green tea latte as I prepare to explore the wilderness outside of town. (And everybody should get away now and again. I'm sure it's good for the soul. Plus my phone loses service and it feels awesome to be unreachable.)

I’m standing there in my white linen pants, minding my business—by which I mean trying to ignore the middle aged couple standing next to me, because if I have to make small talk with one more person outside of my job I might lose my mind. Or if my job happens to come up and someone asks what I do, trying to break that down is just too much for 8am on a Saturday morning. 

Anddddddd just as my mind began to wander, that’s when it happened.

“Hi there, green tea and coffee huh? Must be pretty sleepy!”

He said it with such innocence, as if striking up conversations with strangers in bakeries was the most natural thing in the world.

They were both in denim jackets, hers covered in iron on patches from Jo Ann's or Michaels. You could tell these were the sorts of people who lend their neighbors sugar and say “fudge” when they stub their toe. 

As I forced myself to strike up a conversation with these folks, a thousand thoughts cross through my mind, but the loudest one of all? STOP BEING SUCH A JERK. In a world full of shitty people, this couple was trying to be friendly and here I am trying so hard to not engage and acting like a B word. 

But the more they kept talking, the more I felt my eyes darting to the counter, hoping that my tea would hurry the heck up. Why was I resisting them so much?

Now, I’ll admit, because I am constantly calling, emailing, and digging way too deep into people's lives for a living, when it’s the weekend and I’m in a lonely little coffee shop (in case you are ever in the area, it is the Red Fox Bakery) buying a lonely little drink so I can head out to Miller Woods while I have two measly hours to myself, all I want to do is UNENGAGE. I want to drown out the world with its manufactured bullsh!t and social exchanges and just stand there in line staring at the steam coming from the espresso machine and just BE.

But more than that, I realized that the real reason I was avoiding a conversation was something else; I was becoming anti social in the worst way possible and for a lack of better words, hard.

The kind of hard that comes with spending all of your time working a job you don't love and being away from your tiny perfect human baby too much. 

If you’re not careful, being guarded can start to make you act guarded. 

It was the same kind of guarded I used to hate about getting into elevators at work. I work on a campus of five giant buildings with offices galore and everyone ignores one another put on this stone expression and not say a word except what floor they would like. And there was me, swaying along to the beat in my head, trying so hard to smile and make a connection with every single person who entered. Timeless rejection made it a very pointless thing to do. It was as if I was the weird one. After a while, smiling at strangers felt silly. Almost ridiculous or childish. 

And when this friendly couple stumbled into this shop wanting to chit chat, I thought they were silly and maybe even naive. But mid conversation, it became clear to me that they weren't naive at all... I WAS. UGH!

Because the fact is that no matter what you do for work, what you’ve experienced, what or who you know…wisdom cannot rob you of choice.

It is a choice to be kind.
It is a choice to be friendly.
It is a choice to be open.
It is a choice to offer a smile.
It is a choice to not be a complete A$$HOLE. 

My overall take away was pretty simple; the choice is always up to me and I want to make the one that brings the most good. 

Because while being guarded might protect our fears or mood, being open will always do you some good. I'll take a little humility now than a lot of regret later. 

“you know what Mr. Barista, I’ll actually take a lemon berry tart as well” 

Because living life is a choice, too.

And when life comes in a tiny pastry box full of sugar, you've gotta say yes.